“David... David... DAVID!!!!” The screen glows, lighting up his face. I give up, scoffing loudly and dramatically in frustration. It’s clear he doesn’t even hear my oscar-worthy huff.
Five minutes pass.
“What? Were you saying something?” He finally says, not looking up. I don’t even hear him. Instead, the glow of my screen lights up my face.
This scene is repeated at my house with my partner more frequently than I’d like to admit. And if I’m honest, we’re both to blame. Of course, HE is way worse than ME, I swear!
This phenomenon has a name with adults, it’s called “phubbing”, and it happens when we are so sucked into our devices that we “phone snub” others. Sure, our online community is a whole new way to connect and form culture, but it really is a tragic way to lose connection with our loved ones, colleagues, and friends who are in our physical presence.
Technology has gotten an even firmer hold on our everyday lives with the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic, as iPads have turned from digital babysitters into the very windows into classrooms, as zoom meetings have invaded our dining rooms and even our commutes, and as technology has infiltrated so many aspects of our lives to help us “be together” more by connecting remotely. Technology is supposed to be a tool, not an entity. Yet here it is, living in our house and demanding more and more of our most precious resources: our time and our full attention.
When you start digging deeply into digital wellness and the human body, you start going down a path that is, quite frankly, terrifying. There is so much that we are only just beginning to understand about the way technology and devices impact our brains, our psychological and physiological well-being, and, perhaps most worrying of all, the development of the brains and bodies of children.
Many of our well-intentioned goals and tenets of “Less Screentime!” and “More Mindful Family Moments!” seem to have fallen to the incessant - and understandable- demands of convenience and necessity. Between school and -gestures around vaguely- “life right now”- I promise you that all of us are getting far more screen time than we ever have before.
But this is not yet another post telling you that’s bad, or how to limit it, or how to go get out your pitchfork against the Great Monster of Technology, the Beast of Too Much Screen Time. Instead, this is about how we can make that time and transitions in between using technology and engaging in the real-world a better, more healthy experience for everyone.
I believe this is a skill that can be practiced and taught. We can’t expect our kids to just be able to do it without our support. That only leads to those all too familiar technology meltdowns.
Have you ever noticed how hard it is for kids to disengage from what they are doing on their iPad and focus on you? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? And more importantly, how can we help ease these transitions, both for our kids brains and our own sanity as parents?
I've been doing some research about the topic of disengaging kids from technology and wanted to share with you some of the things I've learned and some practical, realistic things you can try at home.
1. First- understand why this happens:
The reason behind this IS NOT because you are not interesting and present in their lives. It's not because they are purposefully trying to disrespect you. Your presence and full attention will ALWAYS win even over the most interesting and enticing technology. You are not failing as a parent! What is happening is related to brain chemistry.
When kids are suddenly and aggressively pulled away from what their brains are engaged in on the screen, dopamine levels swiftly and drastically drop, leaving them feeling an almost physical shock.
This is a really hard set of emotions for adults to manage, and even more difficult for children, who are still learning and practicing emotional regulation. Sometimes, the things we do that we think will help- taking away their iPad, locking the screen, etc- actually make the effects of this dopamine drop MUCH worse.
2. Next- build a bridge to reality:
So how can we help ease them out? Helping kids learn to do this not only will smooth your own routines with your kids, but will help THEM learn the skills they need to disengage and switch focus as they grow up with so many things competing for their attention. These skills help us learn to be more mindfully present with our loved ones, friends, and tasks at hand and empower us to more effectively use technology as a tool rather than a distraction.
Strategies to Build a Bridge in 4 minutes or less
Enter their world- take 30 seconds to a minute to watch what they are doing, with them. You don't need to say anything, just share the experience. You can then begin to notice and narrate what you see on the screen or what they are doing “Oh, it looks like you are learning about frogs!” or “Oh, are you that little monster? How are you jumping up to get the fruit?” Ask a question about it- have them verbalize what they are doing in some way. Don't worry if it takes a couple of tries or their answers are brief and mumbly at first. You can ask increasingly detailed questions to tease out more details. It might take some time for them to start answering with more details, but be patient and just keep needling them gently. Be okay with building in this transition time.
Once the "hyper-engaged" child starts answering questions with more depth, that indicates they are coming out of that dopamine "cut-off zone" and back to the real world. It doesn't always happen as fast as we want it to, so be patient. The kids are now aware of your existence again, and the dopamine is starting to drop, but now it's a more manageable, gradual drop instead of an abrupt jerk.
You can now begin to give the expectations you have for the next activity you want them to do. It’s a good idea to have the next transitional activity be something either they choose ahead of time, or something you know they enjoy, like a one song dance party, play with the dog, go outside, etc, instead of a chore or dreaded task. This can be short, think 2-3 minutes. Ask them to choose the transitional activity, something they enjoy before adding a job or task such as chores, homework, or getting ready for bed. If you start telling them what is next while they are still engaged in their iPad, my theory is that they may be PHYSICALLY unable to hear and process what you are saying, and you will inevitably end up repeating yourself once they’ve "come out" of their technology trance. You'll be frustrated, they will be experiencing a massive overload of emotions, and feeling bad for not listening to you. Some kids may not even ask for you to repeat them because they are overwhelmed and embarrassed, and don't want to "get in trouble" for not listening, even though they sincerely intended to.
Touch- a light touch on the shoulder can be a really good way to physically ground them back to reality.
Transition rituals: A word on warnings: the jury is out, recent studies have shown that giving warnings can sometimes actually increase anxiety and emotional fragility. You can experiment with adding choice so they can help decide what works best. Let your child choose the warning, i.e. “Do you want a 5 minute warning before the end of tech time, or just an alarm to find a stopping point?” That way, kids have some agency in the process. Have a “third party” be the alarm instead of you, like your smartphone or an Alexa or the oven timer. Have them set the alarm at the beginning of tech time. When it goes off, that is the sign to “get to a stopping point within 5 minutes” or, to completely stop. What do kids most want you to know about ending tech time? Sometimes kids are playing games with other kids, and nothing feels worse than having to let down your team in the middle of an objective. Let them have a little bit of time and trust to find a good stopping point or saving point in what they are doing. Allow them to identify a good stopping point, but don’t let them abuse this by taking longer and longer. Give them grace to get better at this as they learn how to do it. Set a rule such as find a stopping point within 5 minutes- and stick to it.
Why do I think these strategies might work?
I tested it out on my fiance.
Seriously!!
I know, I know, he's an “adult” and all, but as a test, I started using these strategies, sitting next to him and showing a sincere interest in what he's up to, asking him a question or two, and before you know it- he's back!!! And paying attention to me! HONESTLY, IT WAS MAGIC! And then I could tell him what I wanted to tell him in the first place without having to repeat myself, or feel unimportant to him, or being like HELLLLOOO!!! I'M HERE IN ACTUAL REALITY DUDE!!! -- And he actually listens and gives a quality response instead of just staring at his phone and repeating back whatever brain echo he hears of what I said. This trick has MASSIVELY helped our communication and our quality time, as I'm not getting so frustrated and hurt by his phone usage, and he is not feeling like he’s constantly “in trouble” for not paying attention to me. I just find the bridge, and bring him back to reality. It has also helped me be mindful of my own technology use and transitions, which have also improved. I was blown away by how well it worked. Try it with your family members, your loved ones, your kids, even yourself. Learning good “stopping points” in our work is a really good way to help us form boundaries and transition more healthily too, making us more productive and more emotionally balanced.
Resources and Further Reading:
Bibliography
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